Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Have you heard of The Pine Wood Derby?  No?  Yeah, I hadn't either until a few weeks ago.  But apparently I was in the minority.  Because anyone who is either a) a boy, or b) the parent of a boy knows that the Boy Scouts have an annual competition wherein they carve a little car out of wood (pine wood, to be exact), and then they race said cars in The Pine Wood Derby.

Doesn't that sound adorable?

I thought it did.  But then I noticed that the competition was run BY MEN.  Men, who love nothing more than a) competing for trophies and b) making up eleventy bajillion rules and regulations for the competition for said trophy.  HOLY COW WITH THE RULES.  The cars not only had to weigh a certain amount (not a drop over 5oz.) but the entrants vehicles had to be subjected TO A WEIGH-IN the night before the race. 

ALL THIS FOR A TOY.  A toy car that "the boy" was supposed to make all by himself.  PEEESHAW!  What it REALLY is, is a chance for all the dads to compete with EACH OTHER while pretending their boys did most of the work.

First, the block of pine had to be cut into the shape of a car.  Easy enough, right?  OHHHH NO, the men from William's little den all went to one man's house - The Man Who Knows The Secret Shape, and HE cut out the cars for the boys.  Then William got to paint his newly shaped block of wood.  And then he painted a racing stripe down the middle.

And that's where William's contribution ended. 

Dave, meanwhile, added a nice shiny coat of poly to the car ("it had to be shiny!"), attached the wheels, ADDED SPECIAL  WEIGHTS to the bottom of the car for maximum velocity, and then? HE PUT GRAPHITE ON THE WHEELS so that they would spin real, real fast.  Oh and he brought the graphite to the race TO REPLENISH after all the competitive heats.

And lest you think my husband is out of control, please know that every single car at that race had The Special Weights and The Special Graphite and The Special Secret Shape.  Well, almost every car.  You could totally pick the boys who live with their mothers.  Because their mothers ACTUALLY LET THE BOYS DO THE WORK.  What the hell is wrong with them?

You guys, it was HILARIOUS to watch these dads lined up next to "the track" holding their breath while their car raced.  HILARIOUS.

And guess what? Dave's William's car WON!  First place in his little den of first graders, and second place OVERALL (beating out much older, more experienced dads boys). 

Dave said he was thinking of taking the trophies to work and putting them on his shelf.